


wandering minds

by broikawa



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Crying, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Ronan Lynch is a Good Boyfriend, Self-Doubt, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 06:24:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18005546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broikawa/pseuds/broikawa
Summary: sometimes things can get a bit too overwhelming.or; this is why we keep telling adam to take a break.





	wandering minds

**Author's Note:**

> i was feeling quite Down the other day and wrote this. it's not horrible so i decided to post it uwu.

Despite the bitter cold of the winter air outside the window, Adam’s room in St. Agnes wasn’t as freezing as it normal was. The fact could be attributed to the three blankets he and Ronan were lying under, but what mattered most to the both of them was the warmth beneath the fabrics. They laid, legs tangled together like ropes. Their hands moved slowly, yet desperate. Ronan ran his fingertips along Adam’s side, and he blushed when Adam brought his hand up to his cheek.

Adam’s eyes were wide, filled with wonder and tenderness. He looked at Ronan’s face carefully. His eyes, his lips, the sharp points of his face. He quickly became lost in thought, allowing his mind to wander to whatever corner it pleased. It wasn’t like him to let himself go like he did. He only wanted to let himself breathe. He let go too much.

He felt it coming up in his throat, his face, his nose, his eyes. His chest began to ache, and the soft smile that had been on his face faltered and disappeared. He saw his vision blur over.

Ronan, who had also been gazing, noticed almost before it happened. “Adam?” he whispered.

One.

Two.

Three.

The spots on the pillow grew in numbers within a minute.

Adam lifted his hand again, this time to his own face, wiping away the tears and snot with his sleeve. He sniffled. “I’m okay.”

“No, you’re fucking not,” Ronan protested, but his tone remained quiet. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head.

“Adam, come on.”

He shook his head again. He whined, his voice small.

“What happened?”

He curled into himself further.

Ronan placed his hand on his cheek. He nearly flinched at the touch. Tears began to flow harder. He pushed himself into Ronan’s shoulder.

He said nothing this time, only moving his hand up and down Adam’s back for any attempt in consoling him. He hushed in his ear and pressed his lips to his forehead gently, hoping the actions would help him to calm down.

Adam continued to sob, some coming out as chokes pressed into Ronan’s T-shirt.

He continued to feel it in his throat, his face, his nose, his eyes. It made its way down his chest and arms, and eventually down to his legs. It was pain and ache and never-ending emotion. He felt trapped and lost, blindfolded with no escape. He was surrounded by everything and nothing all at once. He wondered how long it would last.

_It’s your fault._

He cried harder.

_You can’t even go a week without breaking down._

Ronan continued to coax him.

_Do you really think you’ll be able to handle this?_

He choked.

_Maybe while you’re ahead, you should just–_

A cough escaped his throat.

Ronan looked down at him.

He wiped his face again.

He couldn’t breathe – the room felt stuffy – but tears stopped draining from his eye ducts.

“You okay now?” Ronan asked quietly.

He shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he said. It was barely a whisper.

“Don’t.”

“Sorry," he repeated. He avoided his eyes, nervous he’d begin again.

“You know you don’t need to apologize for this,” he reminded him.

He nodded. He felt Ronan’s hand in his, pushing their fingers together. He lifted them, pressing Adam’s fingers to his lips. The corners of is mouth, though only a bit, pushed up from his tear-stained cheeks.

Ronan let go of his hand to wipe his red eyes. They felt sore and worn, in need of a rest. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” he asked.

Adam thought for a moment, focusing his eyes on a spot on Ronan’s collarbone, unable to look up any higher. “Is it worth it?” he asked.

“Is what worth it?”

“Me working so hard. Is it worth it, putting in this much effort?” His throat felt raw from the gasping.

Ronan exhaled, the air blowing onto both of their faces. “Adam, how many times have you told me how desperate you are to get out of here?”

He kept quiet.

“You’re a fucking miracle, you know that? I’ve never seen anyone work as hard as you do and I _know_ you know that.”

“What if I’m expecting too much, though?” he asked. “What if, when we graduate, I move out to wherever and it’s too much for me?”

“You’ll deal with it,” he told him, “like you do with everything. If it ends up working for you, then it works, and if it doesn’t, then you can do something else.”

“But then I did all of this for nothing.”

“Adam,” – he was more firm – “you’ll be fine.”

He didn’t protest.

“Do you want to lay closer?” he asked, holding his arm up to invite Adam in. He accepted the offer silently, pressing his chest to Ronan’s and tucking his head under his chin. “Better?”

“Mhm.”

“You can talk to me, you know,” he said, “if it’s ever bothering you.”

“I know.”

“I’m serious. I hate seeing you like this.”

He moved his head and looked up at Ronan. “Thank you,” he said, a thin smile across his face.

“Of course.” Ronan smiled too, kissing his forehead. “I love you, by the way.”

Adam’s smile widened as he tucked himself into his chest again. “I love you, too.”

“Nerd,” Ronan said.

“Loser,” Adam said in return.

They held each other close. Even on the coldest of nights, Ronan would be there to keep Adam warm.

**Author's Note:**

> adam sweetie im so sorry i love you pls take a nap and keep yourself hydrated  
> side note wheres my goth farmer bf to take care of me when im sad?? >:-(
> 
> tumblr: mlm-tooru


End file.
